Monday, October 13, 2008

Finally some answers...

I went to the Dr. today to get a more in depth explanation of what really happened.

I walked in there, and the anxiety started right up. I wanted to cry my eyes out. It seemed that everytime I looked up from my chair, there was a pregnant belly right in front of me. Oh how I wanted my belly to be out and about - showing off my baby boy to the world...but it will never be.

I was called back, weigh, had my BP taken...all of that good stuff. Then my Dr. came in. He's such a gently, caring man! I had see him while pregnant with Aiden, but decided to switch to a midwife when I was pregnant with Cameron. Not that I regret that decision because she was an amazing person! I really really like her! I just think next time around, I'm going to feel more comfortable being with the man that has pretty much been there for both of my pregnancies. He took care of me in the last couple of weeks I had with Cameron.

Anyway, we went over some things, and come to find out, I DID acquire a uterine infection at some point after my water broke. That infection is what stopped Cameron's heart. Deep down I knew that's what happened. When I went in on July 30th and saw him on that u/s, I just knew something was wrong with him. He was always wriggling around in there - even with the limited space he had. That time was different though. He was just lying there, not moving. His heart was beating away, but he seemed to weak to put any effort into movement.

I believe that's why I said the prayer I did that night. Even though I was not ready to let him go, I knew something was wrong. I didn't want my baby boy to suffer or to be weak anymore. Then, 12hrs. later he was gone.

It still hurts so much to know that he was perfect and healthy, but that his little world inside me wasn't right. It failed him.

I felt a little drained after that appointment, I won't lie. I couldn't stop thinking of him. I couldn't stop thinking of what I could have or should have done. I went into work and asked for the day off. They completely understood and told me to go home. I'm so thankful to have such wonderful bosses.

I called my mom on the way home and broke down. I told her that I'm so afraid that people are going to forget about Cameron. I don't want people to forget about him!! I want people to talk about him, and not be afraid to mention his name around me. She told me that she thinks about him every single day, but doesn't bring it up to me because she doesn't want to make a good day bad. I explained to her that I love talking about him. Talking about my little man could never make my day bad! If anything, it will make it that much better!

When I got home, I went out to his memorial spot. I walked out there and just closed my eyes and told him I loved him. At that moment, the strongest breeze came though, and I just smiled. I said, "I know you're here sweet pea. I love you and miss you so much...". I picked up a fluffy dandelion and blew it's little seedlings into the air and walked away.

It's so beautiful out there. It was actually the first time I've been back since his memorial. I think I'm going to visit more often.

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