One year ago today, I officially found out I was pregnant with our precious little Cameron. Technically I got my BFP yesterday last year, but I didn't realize it!
Chev and I were going to a friend's birthday party on the 12th, and I took a test just to be safe. I didn't know if I would drink or not, but I wanted to have a clear conscience if I happened to. I took one and it was negative. I put it in the trash and we left. I did end up drinking that night, but not excessively by ANY means. I woke up the next morning and just randomly decided to pull that test out of the trash. I looked at it and had to blink twice! There was a faint pink line!! I was thinking there was no way possible - that it had to be a bad test! SO, I went ahead and took another one. It was probably the faintest line I had ever gotten on a test, but it was there. Chev couldn't see it, neither could half my friends, but myself and my friend who deals with fertility and what not for a living, saw it too!
I clearly remember Chev saying to me, "You guys are probably only seeing a line because you want to see a line." I was hurt. I looked at him and said, "So does that mean you don't see one because you don't want to?!". He immediately took back his words and apologized.
Of course I took another test the next day and it was dark enough for him to see it. We were elated! Little did we know that, that little line meant our lives would be changing forever - and not in the way we had wanted it to.
We were so happy, lively, and care-free then - naive if you will. I want that back, I really do. But, I know it will never happen. Of course we're happy people still, and I'm slowly getting back to that care-free person I used to be, but I don't think the naive part of me will ever be back. I now truly know how your life can be turned upside down in the blink of an eye.
Am I happy about that? I don't know. I think there's a part in all of us that likes being naive - that likes not knowing about the truly horrible things in life. Of course we KNOW about them, but we seldom think any of it would ever happen to us.
Then it does and our lives are changed forever.
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Cam's name in the Australian sand
Cam's name in North Carolina!
Follow us as we learn to live with the loss of our sweet baby Cameron, who was born sleeping on July 31, 2008.
Cameron David
Born forever sleeping at 19 weeks
July 31, 2008 6:55pm
7.1oz, 8.5"
Born forever sleeping at 19 weeks
July 31, 2008 6:55pm
7.1oz, 8.5"
Our Family Blog
Cam's name in the Australian sand
Cam's name in North Carolina!
"Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me"
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me"
4 comments:
It is so interesting to remember back before loss changed our perspective on life. I remember being relieved to make it to the 2nd trimester. We will never be naive, but I am happy to hear you are getting back to your old self, little by little. You said it best when you said that your life changed forever. That is exactly what happens and it is tough to know how quickly things can be turned upside down. I'm thinking about you today.
It's so hard to "grow up" and lose our innocence. I wish these were things that we never had to learn. I know you must have been so happy one year ago! Just think of all of the wonderful times that you had with Cameron!
It's a year tomorrow since we found out we were pregnant with Jenna. Big hugs to you.
Hugs! I remember how thrilled I was when I got my BFP with Dylan. I told everybody that same day and ran around my office building with the digital pee stick showing everyone! LOL. This time I don't have any desire to tell anyone! Though a couple of very close people know. I also remember my feeling of relief when I hit the 2nd trimester. I was like "hahaha, no chance of losing the baby now!" joke was on me I guess.
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