Sunday, September 14, 2008

Just another bad day...

I'm having a bit of a down day. I don't really know where it came from, but I felt it creeping up on me last night around 3am. I was on my way home and an overwhelming sense of sadness came over me. I missed my little boy.

All I could think about is why this had to happen to us! I wanted to go back to a few months ago when I knew none of this - when I was still naive and didn't know something like this could happen to ME. We hear of these horrible things happening, but never do we think we'll fall into that small 1-2% of women it happens to. Then, when it does, we have no idea what the hell happened. How did our worlds get shattered in mere seconds? How are we supposed to make it, knowing we have lost our baby.

I don't know the answers to any of those questions, and I don't know that I ever will. I know I'll be OK. I reminded of this fact everytime I see a mother who has lost a child. I watch her still thrive, and I see she's not withering away like some of us thought we would at one point.

We were at the movies this morning. I had taken Aiden and we met up with my gf who had lost her son at 37wks. Just being around her makes me feel more "normal". Anyway, while we were there, I saw a girl. Someone we had gone to highschool with. She's maybe 2-3yrs older than us and has three little girls. Her first daughter was born a year before Aiden. Her second daughter...well, she's in Heaven. She had Trisomy 18 and lived for 45min after birth - 45min. and then they said goodbye. She went on to have another little girl, and as I watched her with her two daughters, It gave me hope.
She has no idea that we lost Cameron, but I looked at her and wanted to tell her "I know how you feel." Because I know that little angel is always in her heart and always in her thoughts, as Cameron is in mine.

To think that us 3 women were in the same theater. It makes you realize that it happens more often than you think. I didn't know anyone else in there, but who's to say there weren't more us of there. Ugh, "more of us" - it makes it sound like we're of some foreign race or something.

I know I'll get through this day, just as I have the many other days that have came upon me. I just hate them. I hate the feeling it brings inside me - it's just so unfair.

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