Just as I thought

The appointment went as good as it could have. I mean, I would have rather been going in for my regular checkup to hear Cameron's heartbeat and to have my belly measured, but under the circumstances it went well.

When I got there, I started with the anxiety crap again. They made me sit out in the room, (which was FULL by the way) for a good 20min before seeing me. The woman at the front desk came to the window and asked how I was doing. She remembered me from when I was in and out of there so much for ultrasounds. I told her I was OK, and after that I had to fight the tears a few times.
I got the anxiety under control by closing my eyes and just breathing...I held my necklace (the one with Cam's name on it) so tight in my hands I had nail marks on my palms.

Finally they called me back and I saw my midwife. We went over some things, and like I predicted, we'll never know what happened. I asked her about the placenta and she brought the report back.

The measurements were fine, the thickness was fine...everything was fine. It did say the fluid was a yellow/opaque color, but there was no infection found. She asked if Cameron had had a bowel movement while still inside me, and I told her not that I knew of. She said the color could have indicated he was in distress, but we don't know.

The Dr.'s diagnosis at the top of the paper was infection, but like my midwife said - there was never an infection found, so I was a little confused at that. I'm assuming he just had to put something there(?). I don't know why he couldn't have just put "unknown", but then again, I'm not a Doctor.

They did find that the umbilical cord did not attach all the way to the placenta. She said this is a normal abnormal and there is usually no cause for concern. The vessels that are inside the actual cord were attached, and that's really all that matters, but the stalk itself stopped just before the placenta.

So, as I predicted, we really don't know what caused his heart to just stop. Infection would make sense to me since the fluid's color was yellow. When my water first broke, it was clear. By time the 1st week had passed, I was having yellow discharge. But, since no infection was found...I really have no idea, and I need to accept that.

She told me that she usually recommends 2-3 months before TTC, but if we feel we're ready before then, then we have the green light. She said the waiting is usually just to make sure you're past the hardest grieving stage, and are emotionally ready to take on another pregnancy.

So, I'll bring it up to Chev tonight and see what he thinks, and if he's OK with it, we should be able to start trying next week ...