Monday, September 8, 2008

Nothing makes sense

You know what I hate most about all of this? Besides that fact that it even had to happen? The fact that I can't make a damn bit of sense out of any of it! That's the hardest part for me about this entire process! I think and think and only get more and more pissed off.

I was staring at Cameron's picture a few minutes ago. Running my fingers over it, analyzing his perfect little face. What the hell did he do to deserve this?! He was so innocent in all of this, and he had to die. I looked at his cute pouty lips and remembered the time at my 13wk u/s when we saw him in there smacking his lips together - almost like he was chewing on something. It was so cute!
Then I come back to the picture...his tiny mouth never opened...never drew in a single breath of air. He was so adorable and so perfect in every single way!

I miss him so much. I think about how big my belly would be right now and how much I would be feeling him move around inside me! It bothers me that Chev never got to feel him move. Cameron was always so active at night, when Chev was at work. I love that I got to have him with me long enough to feel him kicking though - I am grateful for that. I just hate that I can't feel it anymore.

I hate the fact that I have to start all over. I would be 25wks this Thursday. Now, we're starting from scratch with an entirely different little soul.
Like I said, it's going to be hard, and I'm sure it's going to hurt at times, but I can't wait to have that little life inside me again - to feel the kicks, the movements, to know that we can bring another blessing into this world.
I don't think it would matter if we waited to get pregnant again. The fact is, is that the last time I WAS pregnant, it was Cameron inside of me. He's the last thing I knew about being pregnant, and whether we wait 1 month or 2 years, I'm not just going to forget that.

I just pray it doesn't take us long. It only took us 3 months to get pregnant with Cameron, so I'm not anticipating anything to stop us, but you just never know. I just wish I could see into the future and know that our next baby is going to be just fine...

2 comments:

Mrs. Mother said...

I hope it does happen for you quickly. We have to wait two cycles, and then we are definitely trying again. Do your arms ever feel empty? Mine do, but I don't know if another baby will help that or not.

Jessica said...

I feel like you took this post directly from my mind! Its tough trying to rationalize with yourself, and others, how you could be ready to ttc again. Just because we lost one precious angel, doesn't take the want away for a child here on earth. Best wishes!