Struggling

Oh wow...so today has been very on and off for me.

For one, Aiden started preschool today! The preschool is at the elementary and is in an actual classroom. It reminds me more of pre-K than anything. I just can't believe how big he's getting! Of course I was happy - he looked like such a big boy!
But in the back of my mind, it hit me - I will never get to see Cameron on his first day of preschool. That thought stayed with me almost the entire day.

After we got home, I went outside to sit on the deck and I could feel the tears coming. I closed my eyes, thinking that would stop them. I opened them only to have buckets of tears run down my face. Seriously, I've never had tears that heavy before. That'll teach me to never do that again.
I just sometimes feel that if I close my eyes, I can make this all go away. But, as it was shown today, closing your eyes doesn't make a single thing go away, it just makes it invisible for that moment.

The minute I opened my eyes, and those tears fell, I knew nothing was ever going to be the same for me again. I've known this since the second I found out Cameron's heart stopped beating, but it REALLY hit me today.
I realized that every milestone in life that Aiden hits is only going to remind me of the one's Cameron will never get to experience.
I will never let that overshadow my happiness for Aiden, but it's always going to be there.

It's such a gut-wrenching feeling to know that my son will never run around our yard with his big brother or that he'll never get to experience the taste of ice cream on a hot summer's day. While these things don't define life, they do make it worth living - these tiny experiences make it more fulfilling.
I know Cameron is somewhere where none of that matters. Somewhere where things are beautiful all of the time. I know he's happy and that makes me happy. I'm happy for him, but not for myself.

I just hate knowing that MY son will never be here with me. What sense does that make?! How can that be possible? It's just not right...