Thursday, September 18, 2008

Where am I with all of this?

I just realized today that I haven't written in Cameron's journal in a long time. Also, I haven't pulled his things out of his box to look at them, to touch them, to hold them close to me, like I did so often in the first month.

What does this mean?

Well, I haven't quite figured that out yet, but I'm assuming it's a step forward in this horrible process? I still plan on writing in his journal from time to time, and I will still pull his things out of his box to stare at, to touch, and probably shed a tear or two over. But, I don't need those things as my crutch anymore. I used to pull them out when I was having a bad moment, but I've learned to just think about Cameron and think about the love I have for him in my heart. That, in itself, brings peace to me nowadays. Do I still miss him? More than words could ever possibly say! I always will.

It's a confusing feeling - to be stricken with something so horrible and to hurt so bad, and yet start finding peace with it. I don't really know how I'm doing it - it just sort of comes over you.

I also know that in an instant, that peaceful feeling can be torn from you. You feel like you're pushed back to square one. That part of it scares me. I hate feeling like I did in the first days/weeks of losing Cameron, and I don't ever want to go back to those days. It's happened before and I know it can happen again, but I try not to let it. I know deep down that you can't stop it entirely from coming. You can push it back, but it'll only hit you even harder a few days later. I've learned to just let it come because, even though it hurts, I know it'll pass. It sucks to know that I've got to build that part of me up again, but I believe it makes me stronger every time I do it.

I think I'll go write to Cameron right now. I don't know if it will make my night harder or not, but it's something I really want to do right now.

1 comment:

Holli said...

Grief has been described as coming in waves. And it does. One day you will feel healed, and the next you will feel like you are dying. You just have to go with it, and hope it gets better. It will.