Monday, September 15, 2008

The tears will come

The tightness in my chest is still there, and I know everything is going to come out full force at some point soon. I'm just sitting here, waiting for the inevitable. Just waiting for something to set it off. Although, now that I think about it, nothing ever really "sets it off". I just get an enormous amount of grief that falls over me and then the tears come.

It could also be because Chev's bestfriend and his fiance just had their baby boy yesterday. When they called, I was so happy and excited, but within minutes, my heart began to ache.
I want that, damn it!! I wanted to be able to call everyone on Christmas day and tell them our baby boy was here!! But, I'll never be able to do that now.
I'm excited to see them, but there's a knot in my stomach just thinking about it. I don't want to go in there being a blubbering mess, as I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't think it will be THAT bad, but I can assure you there will be tears.

I just want to get it "done and over with", so to speak. I don't mean that in a way that I'm not looking forward to seeing them, but it's definitely another hurdle I can't wait to get over. I'm very much the type of person to "get right back on that horse", or to "bite the bullet" when it comes to these challenges. In a way, it's made me a stronger person throughout my life, but in this situation, I'm finding it harder than ever to push through these "milestones" of my grief.

Makes sense, as I've never been through the grieving process. I've never had to worry about holding a baby after a loss, being around pregnant women after a loss, thinking about ttc after a loss. I hate it.

Speaking of TTC, I'm not 100% sure I'm ready at this moment. I mean, for the most part I am, but every once in awhile, I get that feeling like maybe I'm just not. It could all be because I haven't actually sat down with Chev and talked about it yet. I just assumed that after my comments at the Dr's office last week that he would know that I wanted to. There should be no reason he wouldn't want to, unless HE'S not ready. We'll talk tonight, I promise! I need get on the ball if I really want to try this month because my window will be closed by this weekend!
Of course, it all depends on how I feel after we talk!


Mrs. Mother said...

Oh Hollie, I can't imagine if one of our friends had been pregnant at the same time and called to say their baby had been born. I hope you are able to get through it without too many tears.

Jennifer Currey said...

I spent some time in prayer for you today. I know this well be hard.

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

Holding that baby will be more peaceful that you imagine. My only advice would be to get all that sadness and yuck out before you go or the anxiety of the whole thing might get to you. There is just something about holding a sweet newborn baby that warms your heart, even if it is broken. You're in my thoughts, doing that for the 1st time is one of the hardest things to do.
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