Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The dark cloud is moving on...for now!

My bad moments are passing, thank God, but I know they're not gone forever! I don't have that heavy feeling in my chest today! That's how I can tell when things are going to be bad - I'll think of Cameron, and for a split second, it feels like someone is sitting on my chest.

Today I thought of him and smiled...nothing else :)

I also held my 3rd newborn today. It was a girl and my goodness was she beautiful! She looked like a little doll! She was born yesterday to a friend of mine and I couldn't be happier for them! What tickles me so much inside is that everytime I've held a newborn since Cameron passed, I get a smile out of them. Everytime.
Little Ellie was just born and, when I held her, she woke up. You could tell she couldn't focus on much, but she was staring at my face and just got the biggest, cutest little smile on her face! The same thing happened with the two newborn baby boys I held!

I know it's Cameron's way of helping me with it. It's hard to hold those babies, but when they smile... my God my heart just melts, and I can't help put feel intense happiness!

I so want to be pregnant again. Holding those babies only confirms my feelings and makes any doubt I have go away! When I'm having a down moment, the only thing that I think of that would make me happy (besides having Cameron back) is the thought of being pregnant. I know I need to be patient, but it's so hard to wait!

I'm also thinking about posting Cameron's picture here to share with everyone. I know some of you have seen him already (through babycenter and such), but I know there are others that haven't, and I think I'm ready. I've been inspired by other mommies who have been able to posts their angels picture on the blogs! I haven't looked at his picture in a while, so I'm a little nervous of how I'm going to feel.
I can picture his little face as clear as day, but seeing the actual picture might be a little harder...we'll see!

4 comments:

Mrs. Mother said...

It will make you feel good to show him off to the world. I promise. I was worried at first, because even though I know Jenna was beautiful, I was afraid others wouldn't see it.

I'm glad you are feeling better.

Jessica said...

I'm so happy to see that you are feeling better! I know first hand how you feel about wanting to be pregnant! My friend has a 8 week old little girl and I feel like it is like therapy for me to spend time with her. I would love to see his picture when you are ready to share. I am sure he is gorgeous.

Hugs!

Beth said...

I'm glad you're doing so much better! I remember when I started to have those better days. That is so sweet that you got to hold those babies. I feel the same way, like if I can just be pregnant again then a lot (not all, but a lot) of this pain will go away.

I would love to see Cameron's picture! I was thrilled when I posted Ada's and I got so many responses. I really think you'll be glad you did it.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I would love to see your beautiful angel's picture. Whenever you are ready...