Lastnight was hard, I won't lie. The one month marker had been eating away at me all day, and I just let it go lastnight. Between it being a month and me holding that sweet baby boy, the day proved to be a bit too much for me.
It's OK though...I feel a little bit better this morning. Chev and I had a talk lastnight and I told him everything that had been bothering me. He finally let himself get angry infront of me...he even cried infront of me for the first time. I don't want to see him hurt, but to see him in the way that I've been for the past month, made me feel...I don't know...I don't know the word to use.
I do wish that I could have encounters like the one I had on the 4th night after Cameron passed. It was the night of August 4th...actually...it might have actually been August 5th because I think it was around 12:30-1:00am. Anyway, I was lying in bed and I closed my eyes. I got into that half-asleep, half-awake stage and I heard a woman's voice. I didn't recognize the voice, but it was clearly a woman's. She said, "Hollie, do you hear that? That's Cameron, he's here." I sat up in bed completely confused, but with a great sense of comfort in my heart. It didn't hit me until later that the woman's voice I heard could have very well been my grandmother - my father's mother. She died of Cancer when my dad was 18...in the same hospital where we lost Cameron. I never met her, so that would explain why I didn't recognize her voice. I also feel she was there with me when I delivered Cameron. After I had him, there was a great peace that surrounded me. I didn't cry...I just felt very peaceful.
I still get little signs everynow and then. The other day I was having a bad day and I got 2 texts that day. One from a friend of mine who NEVER texts me. Like, it's probably been about a year since she texted me. It said, "Dear God, the girl who is reading this is beautiful. Please help her live everyday to it's fullest." About an hour later I got another one from another friend saying, "God told me to tell you that everything your going through is being taken care of..."
Or how I'll get things in the mail on a bad day and it makes that day so much better. Or how I'll be sitting outside on a calm, nice day and when I start really really thinking about everything, a strong gust of wind comes through or a butterfly flutters by, right in front of me.
I LOVE THESE THINGS!!
I know Cameron is all around me, and I don't need signs from him to let me know that. It's just nice to have them!! It's very comforting to me, and I know he knows that and that's why he continues to send them my way.
I was also explaining to Chev what it feels like when Cameron is right here with me. Some nights, I'll be sitting here by myself, and I'll close my eyes and out of nowhere I get chills that envelope my entire body...and then I feel weightless. It's the most amazing, crazy, feeling ever and unless you've experienced it, you have no idea what I'm talking about.