Friday, August 15, 2008

The infamous question

Why?

I told myself I would quit asking that question after Cameron passed, but I can't help but ask it...even if it's only to myself.

I wonder if it's something I had done. Maybe I should have taken it easy after they found the small hemorrhage in my uterus. They didn't seemed concerned at all, but maybe I should have been a bit more careful. Maybe I shouldn't have carried Aiden up the stairs to bed those few times or ridden on the speed boat on the 5th of July. All of these things still go through my head. Obviously, no matter what caused it or didn't cause it, I can't change anything that happened.

I was still never told what the results from my one culture was. When I went into the hospital for the 5 day stay, no one ever told me what it was. The last time I asked, I was told that they were just waiting on the results of that one culture...I never heard anything back after that. I'm assuming that means that it was fine, but I'd still like to know.

I also wonder if I had a small, slow leak all along. I remember having a lot more discharge this time around, and every time I went to the bathroom, I had a small wet spot on my underwear. I just assumed this to be discharge, but the more I think about it...it seems that it would make more sense for it to be fluid. There was a difference between discharge and a wet spot. Any pregnant woman knows what I'm talking about. If it was a leak, I had no idea. I'd never been through anything like this before. This thought didn't even hit me until after my water broke.
But I still can't help asking, "What if I would have just mentioned it. Maybe they would have discovered this early on and put me on bed rest."

But, like I said, nothing can bring Cameron back. No amount of tears, wondering or asking, is going to bring my sweet baby back.

2 comments:

Holli said...

hollie i just wanted to tell you how sorry i am that you have to go through this.

holli (from bbc)

Amanda said...

Hollie - it breaks my heart that you are hurting! I remember having these kinds of thoughts with my first M/C, it was hard to get through and I could still go back and question; but one thing that has gotten me through it is the fact that I remember God knows best. He has the control and he decided it was for the best that my Tiffany be in heaven with him.

Hugs and Lots of Love,
Mandy (BBC)