Sunday, August 17, 2008

Who am I?

Do you know how frustrating it is to not know who you are anymore? I came to this realization last night. As I stood and looked in the mirror, studying my own face, I suddenly realized that it was like looking at a completely different person.

Do you know how hard it is to look into your own reflection, your own eyes, and for the first time in your life, not recognize yourself? I don't understand it. It was the most bizarre feeling in the entire world. It was almost scary.

I know Cameron's death has forever changed the person I once was, but it's learning to embrace that new person that's the hard part. I've always been very in tune with who I am and, in a moments time, that was taken from me. It's confusing and probably one of the hardest things, besides Cameron's passing, that I will have to deal with.

I feel so broken. I feel almost defeated at times, and at some points I'm not even sure what to do with myself. I'm just sort of "there", ya know? My mind is usually in a completely different place, and half the time I couldn't even tell you what I'm thinking.

I know I will get through this with the Lords loving hand and with Cameron, gently pushing me every step of the way, but it's still hard. It doesn't make it hurt less to know those things, it just makes it a little easier...a little more tolerable if you will.

I'm anxious and scared to see who this new person will be. I have no doubt in my mind that I will be stronger and wiser, but It's nerve-wrecking to know that the girl I've known for 24yrs. is gone...

1 comment:

Mrs. Mother said...

I am right there with you. I'm trying so hard to be the same person, especially with my daughter, but I'll never be the same again.

I'm also trying really hard not to let this defeat me. One of the things that is keeping that from happening is that I want Jenna's short life to mean something. If I let it defeat me, that won't happen.