Wednesday, August 13, 2008

This is just the beginning and it hurts like hell...

Why do I feel like I just went back to square one tonight? I can't stop crying and I feel as if my heart is just crumbling into the tiniest of pieces at this moment. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I'm so confused by all of this.

I actually screamed through my tears for the first time tonight. I went out back and just yelled, "Why!?". I don't know if I was expecting some magical answer, but I didn't get anything. I don't think I ever will.
Plus, I'm sure the neighbors think I'm a raving lunatic right now.

I feel so numb right now. I don't feel like I'm really here. I'm typing, of course, but it's through tears and a blank state of mind. I can't feel anything right now. I can't describe the pain. It's unbearable at times, and tonight is one of those times.

I just want to curl up in a corner and cry myself into another state of mind. One where I don't know what's going on. Does that make sense? I just want to go back to 2 months ago, when everything was fine. When Cameron was happy, healthy, and still with me. His little heart still beating in that ever too familiar fashion.

I remember the first time I heard that wonderful sound. I was 8wks. and it was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I remember it clear as day at 171 beats per minute. How I wish I had that back. My sweet little angel.

No matter what I try to tell myself, nothing is working tonight. It's all tears and heartache. I wish Chev were home...I feel so alone right now.

Aiden is sleeping. I just stare at him and am so thankful I have him. It helps. But to know that he knows that Cameron isn't coming home in 4 months just breaks my heart even more. He so looked forward to having a little brother.

Yes, I still know that Cameron is in a better place, and I know he's OK, but that doesn't stop the heartache. It can supress the tears for a short time, but as I've been shown, they only come back in full swing. There's no need to fight them...which is what I feel I've been doing.

I've been that way my entire life. Trying to be the "strong one". I've never been faced with something like this though. I never thought I'd walk in these shoes. And now that I am, I really, honestly, don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to handle the ups and downs of this.
It's so hard to feel at peace with everything one day and then feel like a complete mess the next. I just don't get it.

I realize the grieving process is a difficult one, but who gave it this much right to be such a complete cluster f*ck of emotions?!
Someone was telling me there are stages to this whole thing. Well ya know, I couldn't even tell you what stage I'm at. I feel like I've tampered with all of them at some point or another in these past 2 weeks...hell, this past month, but have yet to fully settle and experiance one the way I'm supposed to.

My eyes are dry, swollen and they burn. My face is itchy and red from the tears.

I look in the mirror and am so sad by what I see. I think to myself, "So this is the face of a grieving mother. Up close and personal."
I never thought I'd see this face, but I saw it in my close friend 2.5 months ago and, now, I see it in my own reflection.

..can't I just be sedated? No, seriously.


Amanda said...

Hollie, {{{HUGS}}} Girl! Mandy(BBC)

Liz said...

Oh Hollie, I just want to give you big hugs and let you cry it all out for as long as you need.