Friday, August 22, 2008

These battles...

These feeling have crept up on me tonight and I hate it.

I went to the movies with a gf, and right in the middle of the movie, I felt like I could just start bawling. Part of me wanted to get up and go to the bathroom and just do it, but that other part of me - that fighter - wanted to sit there and see if I could get through it. I did, but only for the time being.

There's something brewing up inside of me and I only hope that it comes out before the memorial. I want to be able to stand up there and speak like the proud mother that I am, letting everyone know who Cameron is, and who he was to me. Not that I wouldn't be able to do that while crying, but I want to be strong that day. I just don't know.

I haven't cried tonight, but I just feel really "blah", almost like I could care less about any and everything that is happening around me. I don't know if I'll cry tonight, but I can tell you this - the thought of going into the bathroom, shutting the door and just letting it all out sounds absolutely wonderful to me at this moment.
I'm just struggling with that "fighter" part of me. Do I do it or don't I? I know it would feel so good, but I just ....hell, I don't know.

It doesn't help that Aiden has been treating Chev and I like absolute crap. He behaves well around others, but with's like he has such resentment towards us. I don't understand it, as we give him everything, love him unconditionally, don't neglect him...I don't get it. Today, while in the car he said something to me that almost made me start crying right then and there. He had just thrown a huge fit, kicking the back of my seat, calling me stupid, screaming, etc. I talked to him and then afterwards, out of nowhere, he says, "I don't get a baby. I want another baby. A baby like Cameron."
I stopped everything I was doing and asked him what he said, and he repeated himself. He said, "I want a baby." I asked him what baby and he said, "Like Cameron."

Is it possible that this entire event has affected a 3yr old? I know kids are not dumb, but could I have really been that naive to the situation?? He plays, laughs, goes about his normal day, and then there's the acting out. Is that his anger from all of this? Maybe that's what started my funk. Actually, the more I think about it, I think it is.

I don't know...just gotta make it to Sunday, and then figure out where to go from there.


Mom to 2 boys +? said...

You have to let all of that out or it will eat you up from the inside. It takes a lot more than just being strong to get through this. Go in the bathroom and scream, cry and let it all out! You will be amazed at how peaceful and clear you will feel after getting that out. It is important to feel some of that hurt and let it out so you can heal from the inside out. My 4 yr old really took this loss hard. He was very mad at God and everyone else that he didn't get to keep his brother. We let him talk about it, look through his memory box, hug his blanket and that seemed to help him process a lot. He still wants to name every new thing Tyler and still wants another baby. The hurt of our living children is absolutely heartbreaking, but sweet at the same time. Best of luck with the memorial tomorrow - you can do it! I'll be thinking of ya'll tomorrow

Holli said...

The hardest part for me was the horrible effect my loss had on my son. He still has a hard time with it, 5 months later. It seems to me that your little guy is acting out because he can't verbalize his emotions. (I'm 31 and I have a hard time- so I can't imagine what it's like when you are 3!) He's going to play and act normal, but don't be suprised if he has periods of anger and hatred; which will be directed towards you. It's normal. That is how children deal with feelings that they don't understand. You might need to consider taking him to talk to someone. A greif counsoler has done wonders for my son.

Thinking of you at the memorial.

Mrs. Mother said...

You do have to let it out. I'm feeling very detached myself right now, and it's really hard when the pain does come.

As for your little boy, I can almost say the same thing about Tessa. She is acting out but is always asking when we are going to have another baby. I think it does affect them.