These feeling have crept up on me tonight and I hate it.
I went to the movies with a gf, and right in the middle of the movie, I felt like I could just start bawling. Part of me wanted to get up and go to the bathroom and just do it, but that other part of me - that fighter - wanted to sit there and see if I could get through it. I did, but only for the time being.
There's something brewing up inside of me and I only hope that it comes out before the memorial. I want to be able to stand up there and speak like the proud mother that I am, letting everyone know who Cameron is, and who he was to me. Not that I wouldn't be able to do that while crying, but I want to be strong that day. I just don't know.
I haven't cried tonight, but I just feel really "blah", almost like I could care less about any and everything that is happening around me. I don't know if I'll cry tonight, but I can tell you this - the thought of going into the bathroom, shutting the door and just letting it all out sounds absolutely wonderful to me at this moment.
I'm just struggling with that "fighter" part of me. Do I do it or don't I? I know it would feel so good, but I just ....hell, I don't know.
It doesn't help that Aiden has been treating Chev and I like absolute crap. He behaves well around others, but with us...it's like he has such resentment towards us. I don't understand it, as we give him everything, love him unconditionally, don't neglect him...I don't get it. Today, while in the car he said something to me that almost made me start crying right then and there. He had just thrown a huge fit, kicking the back of my seat, calling me stupid, screaming, etc. I talked to him and then afterwards, out of nowhere, he says, "I don't get a baby. I want another baby. A baby like Cameron."
I stopped everything I was doing and asked him what he said, and he repeated himself. He said, "I want a baby." I asked him what baby and he said, "Like Cameron."
Is it possible that this entire event has affected a 3yr old? I know kids are not dumb, but could I have really been that naive to the situation?? He plays, laughs, goes about his normal day, and then there's the acting out. Is that his anger from all of this? Maybe that's what started my funk. Actually, the more I think about it, I think it is.
I don't know...just gotta make it to Sunday, and then figure out where to go from there.