Monday, August 25, 2008

Early morning tears

I can't sleep. I woke up about an hour ago and can't get back to sleep. I can't even describe the thoughts going through my head right now. The tears just fell, soaking my pillow, and that's all I could do. I couldn't talk, I couldn't tell Chev what was going through my head...all I could do was cry.

I pictured those blue and white balloons soaring high into the sky, until we could no longer see them again. I was sad to see them go. They flew so high and so fast as if they were on a mission to try to get as close to Cameron as possible. It was so absolutely breathtaking to watch, but it was hard.
I laid in bed, remembering my parts of my speech - the parts of it that made my heart beat faster. The parts where I described, in great detail, to everyone how much Cameron meant to me. I miss my little boy so much...

I've been thinking a lot about that scab the pastor made mention of. I don't think I've ever wanted something like that back so bad. It hurts to have it ripped off again, bringing you back to when everything was brand new - the feelings, the heartache, the raw emotions. I know that 3.5 weeks, in the long run, is nothing. This is still very new to me, but that scab WAS forming, it was becoming part of my heart. It wasn't filling that missing piece - nothing ever will - but it was starting to mend it to the best of it's abilities.

1 comment:

Mrs. Mother said...

I'm so sorry that you were feeling so down this morning. I actually feel more peaceful now that we have had our service. I wish you could have that peace, too.