Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Coming to realize...

I finished my speech for Cameron's memorial last night and I couldn't be happier with it! To know that I have painted a picture for those that never got to know Cameron, makes me smile. It was hard, but it felt good to have that on paper. It's my heart - in ink form.

I'm hoping to get through it without becoming a complete mess at the memorial. I know Cameron will be right there with me and that helps a lot. I can do this...for him.

I've been thinking more about this whole "me changing" thing. I never thought I would go through something like this, and as horrible as it is, I don't think it's going to change me for the worse. I'm still that same girl, but with a piece of my heart forever missing. Yes, it will alter me some, but not to the point to where I'm no longer recognizable. I want to be that loving, caring person that Cameron knew and loved in the 19wks I had him. It's hard to explain really. I know I'm not that upbeat, cheery, outgoing person I was 2 months ago, but she'll come back...I have no doubt about that. In time, and with healing, she will come back

My view of everything has changed completely - I can say that. I'm more aware of the real importance of things. I'm more grateful for the things I have now. I have a healthy little boy here at home and a husband who loves me more than life itself. Not that those things didn't matter to me before, but the importance of them have come to light. The little things I took for granted before, have been put right in front of me, in the spotlight. I've been shown that life is more important than shopping, spending money I don't have, rushing in traffic for fear of being late, going out drinking, etc. Little stuff like that.

Speaking of realizing the importance of things - I have definitely realized the importance of tears in the past week. When all of this first happened, I cried and cried. After awhile, I hated crying. I would try to hide it and hold it back. After awhile, I saw that doing that only made it that much worse. I would hold it all in until I couldn't anymore, and then it would just come over me like the most forceful thing I've ever experienced. Now, if I need to cry, I'm going to do it. Even if I'm having a good day, but feel I need to go cry for 5min., I'm going to go do it. I've found that it keeps the good days coming, and keeps the bad ones further apart. It's cleansing for me and takes a bit of weight off of my heart when I cry. It's like it's your souls own form of therapy.

I need to go get a guest book for the memorial today. There's also a cute teddy bear I want to get for Cameron. It might seem weird for me to be buying him a teddy bear when he's not here, but I like the thought of getting him his first stuffed animal for his memorial. I need to start on the collage too...

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