Thursday, August 28, 2008

Well isn't that lovely

I'm just curious as to why some people are blessed with so many children, when they obviously don't deserve it. They don't see those children as blessings...just more money on their welfare check.

As I was driving downtown this evening I noticed a slew of moms pushing their babies in their strollers down the street! NOT on the sidewalk, but in the actual street! You could tell they were the type to just keep spittin' babies out only to neglect each and every one of them! Why, may I ask, are people like that allowed to have 4-5 kids, and my 2nd one gets taken from me. One that I wanted so badly and love with every ounce of my being.

This, my friends, is the infamous question of all mothers who have lost a child. It will never make sense to us, but we continue to ask it.
I try to tell myself that God only takes the special babies. The ones who were too good for Earth - too beautiful to be here. Then I turn and ask, "But aren't all babies special?". There's just no logic or reason to it and that's something we'll all have to just deal with. That doesn't mean I'm not going to get royally ticked when I see women like that - just means I gotta learn to live with it.

Learning to live with things happens to be the chapter of my life right now. I'm learning to live with losing Cameron - that's the hurdle I'm trying to get over. I can't deal with it or get over it...I never will. It will never make sense to me and I'll never "move on". I'll just learn to live with what happened.

At one point I thought I was making it, but then, recently, got thrown back into the depths of hell. Or atleast that's what it feels like. Not that I know what hell actually feels like, but if I had to take a wild guess, I'd say this pain is pretty damn close to hell!
I just don't know what happened. How did I go from peaceful to broken?! Like I said, I've cried everyday since Cameron's memorial. I've cried myself to sleep the past few nights, and at one point wanted to start punching walls at 3am. Truth be told, had Chev not been there holding me, I probably would have put a few holes up.

However, I have found that comforting other women really helps me to comfort myself. Not just women either - people in general. Even comforting my 3yr old when he gets upset about it helps. The time when I comforted my own father after he broke down from looking at Cameron's picture - it made me feel good inside.

This whole process is a big flippin' mess, I'll tell you that. It's a big, ugly, mean bully that you want to beat the shit out of and get it out of the way. You have to let it pick at you though. Every so slowly, getting you through the process to come out OK


Mom to 2 boys +? said...

Unfortunately all you are feeling is just part of the process. The best thing you can do is feel it. You have to ride these waves and just go where they take you. It is so hard to do, especially when you get sick of being sad and just want to get better. It will come. Hang in there. I also get comfort from comforting others, I think that's why I'm still on the boards and blog stalking. Lots of love

Mrs. Mother said...

I know how you feel. I'm back at work, and I do the birth announcements for the paper. Yesterday, I had one for a lady who wasn't married and already had four children, all with different last names. I was so mad, and I didn't understand why she should get to have all those babies and I couldn't keep my one. I think this is just something we have to go through.

Beth said...

I know what you mean. A week or two after Ada was born I went shopping. I saw a lady in the parking lot who was pregnant, holding her three year old daughter's hand, and was smoking! I seriously wanted to go up and tell her that I had just lost my baby and I never would have CONSIDERED smoking while pregnant (or ever, actually). Instead, I got in my car and drove kind of like a maniac for the next few minutes...I was so mad. That probably wasn't a wise thing to do either. :)