I can't friggin' breath! Well, obviously I can...I'm sitting here, still alive and typing. I don't feel it though. It feels like someone is sitting on my chest! I have to keep taking deep breaths every now and then to catch it - especially when I watch his montage over and over and over again...
I don't understand this...I haven't understood any of it since day one! I was doing so well - I don't know what happened!! It's so frustrating to feel so at peace one day, and then feel like you're falling apart the next. I don't know how to feel anymore or what to do about these feelings. Do I let them come? Do I fight them? WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?!!?
I walk around here in a constant funk - like I'm numb and nothing matters to me at all. Any smile that comes upon my face is so fake it's not even funny. My mind is constantly with Cameron which means I'm constantly sad because he can't be here with me anymore.
Chev wants to talk about winning the lottery and all of the stuff we could do and how happy we'd be. He's been on this lottery kick for a couple weeks now. Finally, today, I looked at him and said, "What would it matter?! 100-some million isn't going to make me happy!" Then he starts talking about all of the stuff we could do, all of the stuff we could buy, and he didn't understand how that wouldn't make me happy. I wanted to yell at him and tell him that the ONLY thing that will make me happy is having Cameron back, and that no amount of money in the world is going to do that!!! A new car, a big diamond ring, going on vacations around the world - NONE of that is going to bring Cameron back and NONE of that is going to make me happy!! How can he not understand that?!?!
The bad days were getting further and further apart and I felt like I could really, truly smile again. Now all of that is gone! I've cried everyday since Cameron's memorial. I was up until 3am again, crying myself to sleep . I just kept picturing his little face...
I hate this. I hate all of this!!!!
And just a side note:
I know I bitch about Chev every now and then, but he's a wonderful husband. He's been my rock through all of this. We don't see things in the same light, I know, but when I cry he's there in a heartbeat. He's just handling this in the typical male fashion, and it drives me nuts!