Monday, August 11, 2008
Our Story - the short version...
After 3 months of trying to conceive our 2nd child, my husband and I were elated when, on April 13, 2008 we found out we were expecting! Not only that, but our little bundle had a due date of December 25! We couldn't have asked for a more perfect Christmas gift.
However, on July 10, our dreams were shattered. I was exactly 16 weeks pregnant, and my water broke. We rushed to the ER where it was confirmed, and were given a very grim outlook with very few options. They told us we could induce labor right then and there or we could wait it out. We had just seen our little boy on ultrasound 15min. earlier, doing great! Heart was just beating away and he seemed oblivious to what had just happened to his once comfortable, watery home.
We decided to wait it out.
I was hospitalized for 5 days, on antibiotics, watched for infection, and monitored closely. After 5 days, I was sent home to be on strict, complete bedrest. I was willing to do anything to try and keep Cameron cooking as long as I could. We did great! His fluid level never got real high, but it never completely dissapeared either.
For 3 weeks we made it. My little boy fought his heart out as did I.
On July 30, however, things took a turn for the worst. I was feeling fine all day, but around 8pm, I went to the bathroom and there was a lot of blood. We rushed back up to the hospital where they did an ultrasound. They found Cameron and a heartbeat. I was so relieved. Then, as I looked at the ultrasound screen, a profound sadness came over me. Something struck my heart. I didn't know why I was feeling this way. I saw that Cameron was OK! Or at least I thought he way...
They decided they were going to check for a heartbeat every 4hrs. since the bleeding was not stopping. The nurse came in at 2:30am and checked it. 151bpm...perfect!! Before I fell back asleep, I prayed to God. I asked him that if he was going to take Cameron, to take him now. If Cameron was suffering in any way or if he was uncomfortable to take him. But, if he wasn't, to leave him with me and continue to give us both the strength needed to go on.
At 7:00am, the nurse came in to check his heartbeat. She got out the dopplar but couldn't find it. She brought in the other nurse, but to no avail. Once again, the Dr. came in with the portable ultrasound machine. She put the wand on my belly and I waited...holding my breath. There was my sweet boy...without a heartbeat. I searched and stared frantically for that little flutter I was so accustomed to seeing. Nothing.
I felt like my heart had just been ripped out of my chest. Through the hurt, however, there was a small sense of relief. The relief that my little boy was no longer uncomfortable, and that he was with the Lord now.
At about noon, I was started on cytotec to get labor started. One pill was inserted right up by my cervix, and I was given 4 pills to take orally. At 3:00pm, I was given 4 more pills. Things started picking up, so they decided to skip the 6:00 dose and see what nature would do. I was told the process usually takes up to 24hrs. I was a bit alarmed by this!
But, as my body would have it, things progressed much quicker! Around 6:40 I got that ever to familiar pressure. I told the nurse I thought it was time. She checked me and said Cameron was right there.
At 6:55pm, on July 31, our little boy was born, but he did not take a breath. He was 19 weeks old. He weighed 7.1oz and was 8.5" long. Long and skinny just like his momma. He was so beautiful and so perfect in every way.
I will never "get over" what happened to us, and I can't see myself "moving on". I will, however, learn to live with it. It has not been almost 2 weeks, and I am at peace. I still have my bad days, but that is expected.
I love Cameron more than anything, and he will always be a part of this family. He will always be our son and Aiden's little brother! I don't blame God for what happened. I only give him thanks for letting Cameron be with us for those 3 extra weeks, and taking Cameron to be with him when it was time. I am grateful that I got to hold my little boy and see him in such a beautiful, perfect, peaceful state.
We will try again, but I don't know when. I know Cameron wouldn't want for me to be sad, but he would want to see me smile through this. He will not want me to long for a child with heartache. I know he would want us to give Aiden another sibling here on Earth.
We have talked about starting to try again in October. It's a great month! My husbands birthday, our wedding anniversary, and National Pregnancy and Infant Loss month.
If we happen to conceive before then, It is because God saw fit for us to do so. Or a little sign from Cameron that it's OK to start again...