Thursday, August 14, 2008

The ups and downs

I can breath easy for tonight.

I had a good day today! I contribute last nights break down to me trying to hold everything in. It's almost like, because I had told people I was finding peace in the situation, I felt I shouldn't be crying anymore. I learned how absolutely ridiculous that was last night! It's only been 2 weeks since we lost Cameron!! How crazy was I to think that I would be 100% cured by now!

I hate the bad days, but I know they are going to come and I need to let them. I can't pretend that I'm absolutely 100% ok with all of this. I never will be, but I know it will get better eventually. My heart is still going to hurt a lot, I know this, and I'm going to let it hurt for as long as it needs to before starting to mend itself again.

I also need to learn how to work on these panic/anxiety attacks. I haven't had a full blown attack yet, and I don't know it I ever will, but I need to know how to work on them. I've always been very aware of my own body and very in control of it, so this is especially hard for me. At the same time though, I think that control is what helps me to stop full blown attacks. They happen when I'm away from home and when I know there are going to be tons of people around. I shut myself off completely, and then it gets hard to breath. After that, I have this sensation going through my body like I need to be doing something...moving, yelling, hitting something...just anything! I'll start clenching my fists and/or cracking my knuckles real fast, but it only helps for a second.
It's just...I feel so raw and open. I feel like everyone is staring at me. It's a ridiculous notion, because I'm a complete stranger to the crowd at the mall or park, but I still feel as if all eyes are on me.

It's really weird for me because I've always been very outgoing and have never minded being the center of attention. I suppose, considering the circumstances though, I can see how it would be uncomfortable...

I have an appointment with my OB on the 12th and will talk to him about it. I'm not a big fan of being put on pills though...we'll see what happens.

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