My goodness...it's been one month. How in the world does one month go by so fast when you're hurting so much? It doesn't make sense...
These past few days have been a bit easier. I haven't cried as much, but I am crying when I need to now. I'm trying to learn not to fight it so much.
The girls and I went out lastnight for the first time since losing Cameron. I had a lot of fun and I really enjoyed myself. I had a small moment in the bathroom, but I was OK. It felt good to truly have fun and smile again!!
Today, I went to my friend Heather's Mary Kay party. Heather lost her little boy Wyatt at 37wks. She went in for her scheduled c-section and they found he was gone. I love being around her...talking to her...watching her continue on with life. It makes me realize that things will be OK.
Her cousins friend brought her baby boy over and that was super hard. He was about a month old and the cutest little thing with red hair. When she pulled him out of his carseat, I lost it. I excused myself and went inside the house. I didn't expect to feel that way! I'm ok being around pregnant women and talking about babies, but actually seeing an infant - and a boy at that - was just really hard. Heather came in and her and I talked...she helps me so much!
We came back outside and after awhile, I wanted to hold the baby. Heather suggested that I try it - she said it was very healing for her. So, I sucked it up and did it. I'll admit, it was a little awkward holding this beautiful sleeping baby and crying. His mom had gone inside, so that made it not so weird, but it was crazy to me that this little guy could touch me like that.
When he woke up, he just stared at me and smiled and coo'ed his little bottom off. I fell in love. It hurt so bad, but to look into his eyes and see the innocence melted my heart. He had no idea what I had been through, no idea in the world, but yet he smiled his little heart out at me - almost like he knew that's what I needed.
Heather and I talked about ttc again. We decided we will try together, in November. If something happens before then, so be it, but the plan is November! I just think it will be truly amazing for the two of us to be pregnant again and to give birth around the same time. The significance of that is just beautiful in my eyes...
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I haven't had to be around any baby girls just yet. I've seen them in passing but not up close. I don't know if I could hold one or not. You are very brave to have held that little guy.
Good luck in November. That is probably when we will try again.
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